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Some things are just hard to talk about. Whether you’re struggling to talk with your boss about a looming deadline, your partner about finances, or your family about personal boundaries, we’ve all been there in one way or another.

While it can feel easier to avoid going there sometimes, avoiding a conversation you know you need to have is only going to add to your stress levels down the road. The good news is, there are some things you can do in order to set yourself up to have the most successful conversation possible.

Choose a “good moment”

If you find yourself waiting for “the right moment” to have a difficult conversation, well, you’ll probably be waiting forever. But, finding a “good moment” to have a difficult conversation is completely possible.

So, what does a good moment look like? It looks like a moment where both you and the person you’re talking with are at ease. That means, you’re not catching them as they’re rushing out to a meeting, or after a long day when they’re completely exhausted. You want to give them the opportunity to respond in a calm and productive way, and picking a moment where they have the emotional and physical capacity to do so is key.

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Pick ONE goal

Do not go into a difficult conversation with a to-do list of checking off 497 different topics in the same conversation. In fact, don’t go into a tough conversation with even two different goals. Pick the one thing that is most important for you to discuss right now and focus on that.

Think about it. If your partner came to you and started naming off 3 or 4 different intense topics they wanted to discuss, how would you feel? My guess is overwhelmed. Remember, while you’ve been thinking about the conversation you’re preparing to have for some time, that doesn’t mean the person that you’re talking with has been thinking about it too. Don’t overwhelm them by throwing too much at them at once.

Another reason to stick to one topic at a time? You’re much more likely to reach some sort of resolution and feel like the conversation was productive if your attention (and theirs) is focused on only one thing.

Use “I” statements

My guess is, you want the person you’re planning on having a conversation with to really hear what you’re saying. And, in order to do that, it’s important for you to choose your words wisely. Try to avoid using “you” statements, and instead focus on using “I” statements. When you use “I” statements like “I feel [insert emotion],” you are able to communicate how you are thinking and feeling in a way that does not attack the other person and put them immediately on the defensive.

This is super important, because once someone goes on the defensive, they stop hearing what you’re saying and start thinking about how they can defend themselves. And, in that case, you would be better off walking away from the conversation, because to continue it would just be exhausting and futile. Remember, the goal is to have a successful conversation and in order to do that, you need to give the person you’re talking with the opportunity to digest what you’re saying.

Tough conversations can be uncomfortable, but they’re not impossible to have. And, when we go into them feeling prepared, they can actually be a lot more productive than we might think.

Torie Wiksell, LMFT

Online therapist, Torie Wiksell, LMFT, specializes in working with adult children of parents with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders. She is passionate about helping her clients learn healthy ways to navigate life’s challenges, improve their mental health, and live a happier life. In addition to therapy, Torie hosts the You’re Not Crazy podcast, coaches adults on how to navigate the unique challenges of having a parent with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder and has created an online course to help adults learn how to effectively set boundaries with parents who have BPD and/or NPD.

https://www.confidentboundaries.com/
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