Need Better Boundaries? Start Here.

Without clear and healthy boundaries, it’s easy to feel over-extended, frustrated, or even resentful towards the people in your life. Not only that, but poor boundaries can also be really toxic to our mental health.

While working with clients in therapy, the topic of boundaries almost always comes up. And, how could it not? Boundaries are present in nearly every area of our life. We have boundaries with our boss, co-workers, and clients. We have boundaries with our partner, family, and friends. We even have boundaries around what we do with our free time and how we spend our money.

Boundaries are clearly important, and if you feel like yours could use some work, you’re certainly not alone. No matter where your boundaries are now, it is possible to create healthy ones that help you life a happy and healthy life. If you’re not sure where to start, then keep reading.

Your boundaries should protect the things you care about.  

Boundaries help us make sure that we have enough time, energy, and financial resources for the things in life that we truly value. Boundaries can be set around our time, emotional energy, physical energy, finances, sexual or physical interactions, personal information, or even your possessions.

They may include: saying “no” rather than over committing your time, setting aside time alone on the weekend separate from your partner, prioritizing a favorite yoga or art class in your schedule, setting aside time to meet with your therapist each week, or even setting aside a specific amount of money each month that’s used only to pay down your student loans.

To make sure your boundaries are protecting the things you truly care about, it can be helpful to make a list of the things you value in life. Then, ask yourself what boundaries do you currently have to protect and prioritize those things in your life? This exercise can help you understand which of your boundaries are already working well for you, which of your boundaries might benefit from some adjusting, and which aspects of your life may benefit from creating new, healthy boundaries.

(Need some help identifying your personal values? Check out this simple values clarification worksheet from Therapist Aid.)

Clearly communicating your boundaries to others is a non-negotiable.   

Boundaries let people know what they can expect from us, and in turn, what we expect of them. That can create feelings of safety and stability in our relationships, but only if we communicate our boundaries clearly.

Other people cannot read your mind, no matter how much they care about you. Yes, even people who love you do not intrinsically know all the things you need and expect from them. This doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t a good one- it just means people aren’t mind readers. That’s why it’s so important to clearly communicate your boundaries to the people in your life (this includes friends, a partner, family members, coworkers, and even your clients or boss).

As important as something like physical space or alone time might seem to you, others may have different priorities or values. That doesn’t make you wrong or them wrong, just different. When you clearly communicate your needs and expectations to the people in your life, you give them an opportunity to show you how much they care about and value you by honoring them.

You need to have a game plan for when someone violates your boundary.   ​

People are going to violate your boundaries. It happens. And, when you introduce new boundaries, it’s more common than not for them to be forgotten or ignored. That’s because change is hard. And, when you change your boundaries, you’re asking other people to change the way they go about things too.

Even though you made a decision to change a boundary for a good reason, my guess is, this change is probably hard for you. That’s normal. But it’s also important to remember, you’re the one who decided to set a new boundary, not the other people in your life who you’re asking to make a change. And, while you’ve had time to think it over, they may feel really caught off guard or uncomfortable with the change that you’re asking them to make. They might even get annoyed or angry, or act like you’re being dramatic or too demanding. This doesn’t mean you made a mistake, it’s just a part of the process.

This is the hard part of boundary setting. It’s difficult when someone you care about is annoyed with you or tries to minimize your boundary. Imagine yourself getting through these moments before you even have a conversation about your new boundaries. These moments are hard, and you’re also capable of pushing through them. And, in the moment, help yourself maintain your boundary by taking a few deep breaths or grounding yourself when you feel overwhelmed. ​

Keep enforcing your boundary every time it is violated.   

This is super important! It is not okay for people to violate your boundaries. Period. No, not even every once in a while.

That doesn’t mean you need to abruptly cut ties with someone who violates your boundaries. It simply means you need to be ready to enforce your boundaries each time they are violated.

Not enforcing your boundaries tells other people it’s ok to disregard them. And, if you only enforce your boundaries sometimes, you’re sending a mixed message. This can make other people not only doubt how serious you are about your boundaries, but also recognize that they can get away with violating them.

Remember that we’re all human.

We all make mistakes, and we can all be forgetful at times, especially when we’re trying to change a pattern of behavior. The people you’re setting boundaries with will likely stumble at times in the process. Have empathy for them as they try to adjust, and at the same time, maintain your boundaries.

Setting new boundaries is a process. It takes effort, a willingness to push through uncomfortable moments, and patience. It’s hard, but also worth it, to make sure that we have enough time and energy for the things we care about.

If you need some additional support creating and enforcing healthy boundaries, consider reaching out to a licensed therapist near you. If you’re in California and interested in working together online, or in the San Diego area and interested in working together in my Del Mar therapy office, you can schedule a free, 15-minute phone consultation with me by clicking here.

Healthy boundaries are good for our mental health and our relationships. We owe it to ourselves and those we care about to be honest about what we need, what we want, and what we expect.